One of the key principles of Carefrontation is delivering honest, constructive feedback while showing that you genuinely care. But there’s a common mistake that can quickly derail this approach, and that's focusing on personal traits instead of behaviors. When feedback feels like a critique of who someone is rather than what they did, it can lead to defensiveness, frustration, and disengagement.
It’s easy to fall into this trap without realizing it. Saying something like “You’re not a team player” or “You’re too disorganized” might seem like honest feedback, but it attacks the person rather than the specific behaviors that need improvement. This kind of feedback isn’t actionable, a core tenet of Carefrontation, and it leaves the person wondering how to improve rather than what to improve. And instead of motivating change, it can damage relationships and morale.
To avoid this, keep feedback focused on behaviors and their impact. Instead of saying “You’re not a team player,” try “I noticed in the last two meetings, you didn’t contribute to the discussion. I’d love to hear more of your input because your insights are valuable to the team.” This keeps the conversation constructive and solution-oriented, making it easier for the other person to act on your feedback.
As noted in the example above, it's important to get specific about what behavior changes you'd like to see. Here's something to also consider, as a leader: Some people are just a certain way. Shy doesn't mean they can't share when the time is right. Bold doesn't mean they don't know how to listen. See each individual for who they are and help them see how they can shift certain behaviors to help contribute in a more meaningful way.
Carefrontation is about helping people grow, not tearing them down. When we separate behaviors from identity, feedback becomes a tool for progress rather than a source of conflict. How do you ensure your feedback stays focused on behaviors and not personal traits? Let’s discuss!
